Self Determination
by Khentkawes
Summary: Episode tag to The Shroud. Daniel thinks about the nature of trust, free will, and the choices he’s been forced to make. Jack tries to help.


Title: Self Determination

Summary: Post "Shroud." After returning home, Daniel thinks about the nature of trust, free will, and the choices he's been forced to make. Jack tries to help.

A/N: As much as I loved "The Shroud," the writers really can't ask us to believe that everything just goes back to normal. Well, okay, they can ask, but it seems unreasonable. I felt that the team, and Daniel in particular, would have a hard time dealing with everything that's happened.

I planned on writing a nice friendship piece between Daniel and Cameron, but I've always loved the Daniel / Jack friendship and so this came out instead. Hopefully, Daniel and Cam will still have their story, but it may take a while.

* * *

He was so tired, so very tired. The doubt, the frustration, and the urgency had left behind only a profound sense of abandonment. It didn't matter anymore that his friends had not trusted him. It didn't matter if the Ori were destroyed or not. It didn't matter that he had spent months fighting for his sanity and his beliefs. He was tired of fighting his friends, his team; tired of fighting the voices in his mind.

So he left.

Daniel Jackson was more than a bit surprised that no one stopped him when he left the base. He was still half expecting someone to come after him, to arrest him and drag him before the IOA to be executed as a traitor. And after all, why not? He deserved it, in a way. He could not deny that he had been working for the enemy or that he had voluntarily given Adria information about Earth in exchange for her trust.

He'd slept most of the way home on the _Odyssey_ and then went through the necessary medical examination and debriefing when they reached Earth. Landry was quiet throughout the debriefing, listening as SG-1 supplemented Daniel's narrative whenever necessary. Woolsey was there and Daniel was careful not to look him in the eye. He tried to answer each question as calmly as possible, hoping that they would all trust his sincerity. Dr. Lam had proclaimed him to be one hundred percent human, without any special prior abilities, but she had also proclaimed him to be suffering from exhaustion and she seemed to suspect there was more to his distant expression than simple stress. He'd had to fight off a full-blown flashback in the infirmary and he didn't think he could fool everyone into thinking he was fine for much longer.

Sometime after the debrief, he had managed to get away from the curious glances and the mildly accusing words. He'd gone to the locker room to change, relishing the feel of his own clothes, enjoying the ability to make his own decisions for the first time in over a month without having to fight Adria's manipulations and Merlin's insistent instructions. He had rushed to the surface and finagled his way through the necessary checkpoints. Then he started walking and didn't stop.

He felt like a coward for running from his team, from the consequences of his actions, but he had used up every ounce of courage and strength he had during his captivity, and since he'd met up with SG-1, he'd found himself constantly on the defensive. This whole time, he had been single-mindedly devoted to executing Merlin's plan and making sure that something good came out of all this pain. Now, he felt like he had poured out everything he had within him and there was simply nothing left. He didn't have the energy to face his friends and see the disappointment and mistrust in their eyes.

The cold air hit his face and he recognized with surprise that it was still in the early hours of the morning, before the sun had fully dawned. For so long, time had meant nothing more to him than a deadline. Time was a clock that slowly ticked off the minutes before he ran out of time, before Adria discovered what he was really doing, before she destroyed everyone and everything that he believed in. Now, finally aware of time as something other than an enemy, he let it slip calmly by. He welcomed the cold mountain air, the slight dampness that clung to his skin as raindrops drizzled lazily to the ground. He listened to the gravel crunch beneath his feet as he began walking down the mountain.

Daniel clung to the one thing that had not been taken away from him: his free will. He walked and he knew that there was no one controlling his actions. They could arrest him or they could kill him. But even Adria had not taken away his power of self-determination, though she had tried.

Daniel Jackson lifted his face to the sky and the drizzle mixed with his tears.

* * *

"Sir," Sergeant Harriman stood in the doorway of the briefing room. General Landry and General O'Neill sat at the table with the four members of SG-1.

"Yes, Chief?" Landry acknowledged as Jack cut in.

"Walter, this had better not be more bad news."

Harriman merely glanced at Major General O'Neill before turning back to Landry and addressing the room. "Sirs… It's Dr. Jackson. I just received word that he left the mountain about ten minutes ago."

"Crap," Jack and Mitchell said at the same time. Mitchell glanced at the general who seemed not to notice.

"Why wasn't he stopped?" Landry asked.

"It seems that the guards weren't sure whether or not he had authorization to leave, sir."

Carter spoke up. "By now I'm sure there are plenty of rumors circulating around the base about what happened. And officially, the guards have no reason to detain Daniel. They don't know that he was turned into a prior and Daniel hasn't been officially restricted to base."

Landry looked unhappy but sighed. "I understand Colonel. But he should know better than to leave under these circumstances." Landry turned to Colonel Mitchell. "I want Dr. Jackson brought back here immediately."

"Sir…" Mitchell seemed to hesitate. "What if he doesn't return willingly? Jackson may believe that we're going to turn him over to the IOA." Mitchell paused again as he realized that he didn't truly know what would happen to his teammate after the events of the past few days. "We're not going to let the IOA arrest him, are we?"

"We are not throwing Daniel to the wolves!" Jack's said.

"Jack, you know me better than that." Landry looked at his old friend. "But Dr. Jackson is in no condition to be wandering about, right now. The truth is, we don't know what state of mind he's in, or what kind of risk he may represent to himself or the security of this base. Not to mention that if Woolsey returns from the IOA with instructions to have Dr. Jackson arrested, then the only way we can protect him is if we actually know where he is."

Mitchell looked away. Normally, he wouldn't have questioned the general's motives, but truthfully, everyone's trust had been somewhat shaken by recent events. Teal'c cocked an eyebrow in a contemplative way and Carter smiled slightly at Landry's reasoning.

"_Can_ we protect him?" Vala asked.

There was a moment of silence before Landry spoke. "I will not let a bunch of politicians tell me what to do, and I will not let them get their hands on any member of this command."

There were other nods of approval. Mitchell stood. "So, permission to go retrieve Jackson, sir?"

"Negative Colonel. I'm going." Jack's tone was firm. "I should have seen this coming in the first place and got to Daniel before he had a chance to run off." Jack pushed off from the table and headed towards the door. "This could take some time. I'll call if I need backup." Jack O'Neill left behind five worried faces and for a long time, no one bothered to get up and leave.

* * *

Daniel couldn't stop. He was exhausted, consumed by doubt, and so incredibly alone, but he couldn't stop. His headache had continued to grow and his mind was running in circles, caught in a continuous loop as it replayed his time as Adria's captive and later as her prior. Even with Merlin trying to shield him, he had still felt Adria constantly probing his mind, manipulating his thoughts, sifting through his memories and bringing every moment of pain and discouragement back to haunt him. She didn't just want him to join her, she wanted to break his will so completely that he had nothing left to rely on or believe in.

And Merlin… Daniel had a whole new appreciation for what it must be like for the Tok'ra. He had spent as much time arguing with Merlin as he had trying to think of a plan. They both wanted to fight the Ori, but they were both stubborn and Merlin was not used to people questioning his actions as Daniel invariably did. It had taken them some time to come up with a plan they could both agree to and it took all of their collective efforts to keep Adria from completely controlling them. The pressure was enormous. They had been trying to save an entire galaxy from facing genocide. They were attempting to destroy an enemy of unimaginable power and they were all too aware of the consequences of failure. And when SG1 finally "captured" Daniel, he had found himself arguing, pleading, and running in circles to gain their trust.

Now Daniel was left feeling wrung out, drained, and empty inside. The stress had taken its toll. He slowed his steps, looking down the road that led away from Cheyenne Mountain and back to the world that Daniel had been isolated from for so long. Daniel was trembling and his head was pounding. He continued placing one foot in front of the other, not because he had to, but because he chose to.

"Daniel!"

He heard a voice call out to him. He knew that voice, but he kept walking. The drizzle had stopped and the sky was beginning to lighten to a pale gray tinged with yellow.

"Daniel, wait." No response. "Daniel, please. Just stop."

"What do you want, Jack?" Daniel's voice was flat. He didn't stop. Didn't even turn around.

"Well, I'm not sure really. How's that for irony?"

He could hear Jack's footsteps as his friend caught up with him. Daniel didn't look up as Jack took his place at Daniel's side and fell into step with him.

"So… where ya going?" Jack asked conversationally.

Daniel shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

The downcast eyes, the forlorn words, and the flat tone all struck a cord with Jack. He suddenly remembered another cloudy, cool morning when he had found Daniel standing alone on his balcony. Jack had been scared then and he was scared now.

"Daniel," Jack grabbed his arm and pulled Daniel around to face him, bringing them both to a stop. The action caused Daniel to start and look up at Jack. "What's going on, here?" Daniel's gaze fell. "Come on, Daniel. Give me something to work with. Talk to me." His voice was soft and pleading.

Daniel started to pull away, but Jack held onto his arm. The sky was slowly turning into a pale blue with streaks of orange and yellow shooting up over the foothills.

"I really thought I wasn't going to make it this time." Daniel's voice was so quiet Jack had to strain to hear it. He pulled a little closer and could feel Daniel shaking with tension. "After everything that happened, after everything I'd done…I wasn't even sure there was anything left of me that was worth saving."

Jack grasped him roughly by the shoulders. "Don't say that! Don't you _ever_ start talking like that." He gave Daniel a good shake before releasing him.

When Daniel looked up, his eyes glistened with restrained tears.

"I tried, Jack. But I couldn't do this alone. And despite what Merlin did, I could feel myself slipping away a little bit at a time. Every day Adria forced herself into my mind just a little farther and I knew it would be that much harder to come back, to undo everything that she had done, everything that I had let her do." Now that Daniel was talking, the words came out in a rush, and as much as it hurt to listen, Jack wasn't about to stop him. "But I couldn't _do_ anything. That was the point. I wanted to do something, _anything_ to defy her, to fight back somehow. But all I could do was listen as she tried to convert me, to corrupt my beliefs and turn me into another one of her pawns. I professed belief in something I abhor and I hated myself for it. But at the same time I was terrified that she would find out I was lying and I would lose my only chance." Daniel scoffed. "Some choice: risk selling your soul to the devil or die a million light years from home, alone and without hope." Daniel's tears fell slowly. He had remained horribly still throughout this speech and looked as though he was about to shatter, just barely holding himself together. "I wanted you to trust me without question…"

"Daniel," Jack tried to interrupt, but Daniel continued as if he hadn't heard.

"…Then maybe I could forget about my own doubts. If you trusted me, then I knew I could trust myself, and I knew I wouldn't be fighting this battle alone anymore." Daniel shook his head. "I didn't have any other options and I was so angry that my choices had been taken from me. And yeah, I was angry at you guys for not trusting me, but mostly because I knew that if you didn't trust me, then it really was too late." He paused again before continuing, his voice very soft and slightly fragile. "I was so afraid that when it was all over, I would be completely alone with nothing left to believe in."

Jack let out a deep breath.

"First off, Daniel, you will _never_ have to fight your battles alone. You understand? And secondly, I _always_ trust you to do what you believe is right. There was never any doubt about that."

"Just a little bit of doubt about whether I was completely in control of my own actions, or if I had completely lost my mind?" Daniel said suddenly, with a slightly sarcastic tone and the ghost of a grin.

"There is that," Jack acknowledged Daniel's attempt at humor, even if it did fall somewhat flat. "But seriously, Daniel, you are not alone. That team you've got in there," he waved a hand back towards the base, "they're not about to walk away from you. All four of them are worried about you. Even Landry's worried. I know that this must have been hell for you, but you have to understand that you're not alone anymore. No one is going to abandon you." Daniel didn't respond. "Are you hearing anything I'm saying here, Daniel?"

Daniel sighed. "I hear you Jack. It's just…" He shook his head, unsure how to complete the thought.

"Been a rough day," Jack finished for him.

Daniel surprised them both with a bitter laugh. "Rough couple of months, actually."

"Yeah."

Daniel started walking again, and Jack followed dutifully. "I just needed to get out, Jack." Daniel said, as if Jack had asked for an explanation.

"I know."

"I've spent the last two months feeling trapped, literally and figuratively. Trapped on Adria's ship, trapped in my own mind, trapped by doubt… And now…now I don't even know what to do with myself. So I made a choice. I decided to get out of the mountain before that choice was taken away from me too." Daniel looked at this friend. "You can understand that, can't you?"

"Yes, I can." Daniel could see the understanding in his eyes. Jack knew what it felt like to have your identity and your humanity slowly striped away, to struggle for just an ounce of control over your life. "Daniel, you know I'm here whenever you need me. I'm not going anywhere."

Daniel smiled and raised his eyes to the morning sky. "I know."

They lapsed into a companionable silence. As they walked, the sun continued to climb and the dreary drizzle of rain began to fall once again. Daniel seemed unperturbed, so Jack kept walking, maintaining the leisurely pace that Daniel had set.

"So…what exactly are we doing out here again?"

"Exercising our inherent right to self-determination."

"Ah." Jack paused. "You do realize that we're walking in the rain, for no particular reason, in the wee hours of the morning when any sane person would be asleep, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Just so that we're clear on that."

"Yep." Daniel smiled, looking quite satisfied with himself.

Jack's cell phone began to ring. Daniel looked at him curiously, as Jack reached into his coat, removing the phone from the inside pocket. "I thought you were the one who hated cell phones?"

"Yeah, well, what can I say? Being a general has it's disadvantages." Jack brought the phone up to his ear. "O'Neill… yeah, he's right here." Daniel looked away nervously. Jack continued talking into the phone. "Where are we? Well, there's a funny story behind that…" Before he could finish, the voice on the other end of the line cut him off. There was a pause. "Hold on, I'll ask." Jack lowered the phone and covered it with one hand as he turned to Daniel. "Hank wants to know if he has to send in the cavalry or if we're coming back on our own. Personally I think we should just hop a plane and head for the Bahamas, but it's up to you."

Daniel smiled, silently thanking Jack for giving him a choice in the matter. "Just a little longer, then we can head back." Jack nodded his approval and relayed the message to General Landry before hanging up and putting the phone back in his coat pocket.

Jack turned to survey his friend as they walked on a bit father. Daniel still looked exhausted and Jack wasn't sure how much more he could take, either physically or emotionally, but there was a certain amount of peace in his eyes that hadn't been there before. It was a start. At least Daniel knew that he wasn't alone anymore.

* * *

Author's note: Feedback is always appreciated. I had a harder time writing Jack than I expected, so let me know what you think.


End file.
